


Bonding Over Grief

by Badassium1970



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Bisexual Bucky Barnes, Bucky Barnes Feels, Enemies to Friends, F/M, Honesty, I'm not happy about it either, Like seriously that's Peggy's great niece, M/M, Minor Sharon Carter/Steve Rogers, Or that I had Steve and Sharon be together, Pansexual Sam Wilson, Past Riley/Sam Wilson, Platonic Relationships, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sam Wilson Feels, Steve is dead, That's just weird Steve, Unrequited Crush, i guess, post Avengers 4, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-31
Updated: 2018-07-31
Packaged: 2019-06-19 13:14:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15510657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Badassium1970/pseuds/Badassium1970
Summary: If anyone asked why they worked together they'd say it's because it's what Steve would have wanted, but as time went on Sam and Bucky grew closer. To the point where Sam feels comfortable enough to tell him about Riley.





	Bonding Over Grief

When asked why they work together they say it’s because it was what Steve would have wanted. At first, that was true, there were many other reasons alongside that one though, but it was one of the main ones.

While Bucky was welcome to stay in Wakanda and live out his life there he couldn’t. He loved life on the farm, taking care of his goats but there were too many memories of the battle that took place. It was where he turned to dust.

Wakanda also had too many memories of Steve. He visited often and they would explore the city together at night when it was less busy. Steve would let Bucky sleep with him whenever he had nightmares about HYDRA taking control of his again. While it was nothing like how they had been in the past, it was the closest they had been to normality again.

Bucky was still welcome in Wakanda. He’d still visit from time to time, doing some farm work and letting the children play with his hair and put it up however they wanted to. Shuri would make him hot chocolate with extra marshmallows, to make up for all the years he’s missed out on them, and they would talk about the world. She did most of the talking but Bucky didn’t mind. He liked how enthusiastic she was despite everything she had been through. Shuri was a good friend, and after losing Steve friends is what Bucky needed most.

Being an ex-assassin, it was hard for Bucky to find work. After the events with Thanos Bucky’s name had been cleared and all of the Avengers were no longer considered fugitives, so the ones who made it out alive were no longer forced to hide away. People still weren’t as willing to hire them to do normal jobs and while Bucky was well compensated for his contributions he couldn’t do nothing with his life.

All he knew was fighting, so he decided that he would continue to help people, but even though he knew that he was no longer under HYDRA’s control he didn’t trust himself to work on his own.

Sam couldn’t give up the life of saving people either. He remembered Steve saying that if anything had happened to him he wanted either him or Bucky to take up the shield, and while neither he nor Bucky wanted to take the name Captain America, they were both willing to fight for what was right.

That was how Bucky found himself on Sam’s doorstep; explaining his situation. He knew that Sam wasn’t his biggest fan, but he still trusted him because Steve had.

Sam agreed to help Bucky. It was what Steve would have wanted, he had told himself and everyone who asked, but really there was a part of him that did care for Barnes. He knew it was unfair to hold a grudge against him for something that he did while he was under HYDRA’s brain control, and he had made it out of everything alive. Sam had gone through a lot for Bucky, and that was mostly due to Steve, but part of him did want Bucky to finally have a somewhat decent life. That didn’t mean he liked him though. He just wasn’t heartless.

At first, they would often butt heads, though never on the battlefield, and would find themselves arguing more often than not. Then Sam heard Bucky screaming in his sleep.

Sam knew that Bucky had nightmares. They both did, but Bucky had gotten better at dealing with them and didn’t want to talk to Sam about it. Same made it clear that Bucky could if he needed to but Bucky still refused. He didn’t want to be a burden and it wasn’t like he needed that much sleep anyway so he normally went without sleep for as long as he could. When he was exhausted it was rarer that he would have nightmares.

That didn’t mean that it didn’t happen though, and when Sam heard Bucky screaming Steve’s name he knew that Bucky was having a nightmare. He quickly made his way to Bucky’s room and saw him thrashing about in his sleep violently, his body drenched in sweat and he was crying in his sleep.

He made sure to be gentle about waking him up, knowing Bucky didn’t react well to raised voices.

“Barnes, it’s okay, wake up. You’re safe,” he said as he gently shook Bucky.

“Steve?” Was the first thing Bucky said and the look on his face when he woke up a bit more and saw Sam and then remembered what happened broke Sam. He knew what Bucky was going through. It was similar to what happened when Riley died.

“Hey man, it’s gonna be okay.” Sam tried to comfort Bucky but he wasn’t sure what to say. Steve’s death had affected them in ways that neither of them could really describe. He was still trying to deal with his feelings towards everything that had happened, the fact that he had also technically been dead at one point.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Sam asked. Maybe if they both talked about what had happened they would heal quicker. When Riley died Sam isolated himself for a while and it wasn’t healthy.

Bucky shook his head but then rapidly changed his mind and nodded, tears still streaming down his face.

“I miss him,” he choked out; voice so quiet Sam barely heard him.

“I know, I do too. He was really something wasn’t he,” Sam smiled as memories of Steve filled his head.

“Stay with me?” Bucky asked, his voice still quiet and Sam didn’t have the heart to say no. He wouldn’t have anyway.

They spent the night sharing stories about Steve, letting themselves cry openly and talk about how they felt about everything that happened.

After that, the pair became a lot more open about each other. There were still a few things that they rarely, if ever touched on. Bucky didn’t like to talk about what HYDRA made him do in detail, and Sam could rarely bring himself to talk about Riley.

One night, however, Sam decided that he needed to talk about it. Not just the fact that he died, but who he was as a person. Who Riley was to him.

It was Riley’s birthday and Sam always visited his grave. Bucky was having a bad day mentally and didn’t want to be left alone so Sam took Bucky with him. While they were there Bucky gave Sam his privacy and didn’t ask any questions, but Sam could tell he wanted to.

When they got home Sam had decided he would tell Bucky.

“Riley was pretty much my Steve,” he explained.

Bucky nodded, understanding how much Riley must have meant to Sam for him to make the comparison.

“What happened?” Bucky asked, not sure if he wanted the answer.

“We were on a mission. It was simple, nothing we hadn’t done a thousand times before, but… I don’t know what happened. One minute he was in the sky and the next he was falling. There was nothing I could do,” Sam felt his eyes tearing up. He still blamed himself for what happened. No matter how many times he had been told it wasn’t his fault he just couldn’t believe that. The only thing that stopped Sam from crying was when he heard Bucky muttering names under his breath.

It aggravated Sam. While he didn’t want pity, he expected some sort of sympathy.

“What are you doing?” Sam questioned, not even trying to hide the fact that he was annoyed.

Bucky gave Sam an apologetic look but continued muttering under his breath, counting on his fingers. When he was done Sam gave him a look, asking for an explanation.

“I needed to make sure that I wasn’t the one… that I didn’t… K-kill him,” Bucky explained and Sam’s expression softened. He wondered how many times Bucky had heard that someone had died unexpectantly or due to strange circumstances and went through that mental checklist to see if he was the one who did it. Sam also wondered how many times Bucky realised that it was him.

“I’m sorry for what happened to him,” Bucky continued, realising that he probably should have started with that but he needed to make sure that he didn’t kill someone so close to Sam. He didn’t want to have caused Sam any more pain than he already had.

They were silent for a moment, unsure of what to say. Sam felt the need, an itch, to tell Bucky everything. Things he hadn’t even told Steve. Things he hadn’t told anyone for a long time.

“Riley and I, we, well we weren’t just partners.” Sam blushed but felt lighter due to the confession. He hadn’t told anyone about the relationship he had with Riley, not because he was ashamed but because for a while it was just too painful.

“Oh… oh!” Bucky suddenly realised what Sam meant.

“I-I didn’t realise,” Bucky gave Sam a small smile in understanding, and to try and tell him that it didn’t bother him. Sam understood and gave Bucky a smile in return, thankful that while Bucky grew up in the 1930’s he didn’t seem to agree with the views a lot of people had back then.

“Yeah, I guess I never really told anyone,” Sam shrugged, trying not make a big deal out of it but Bucky was shocked that Sam chose him to open up to about this.

“Y-you didn’t, Steve didn’t know?”

Sam shook his head.

“Honestly, I was kind of scared. Like I read about this guy, was made to study him. He seemed like this perfect guy but when I met him I was ready for it to be too good to be true. Raised so long ago I knew there was a chance he would look down on me just because I was black,” Sam explained and Bucky nodded. They both knew that Steve would never do that but it made sense to assume something like that could happen.

“When he wasn’t like that I was a little surprised, and as I got to know him I think I-I…” Sam trailed off.

“Started to fall for him?” Bucky helped Sam finish.

Sam nodded.

“Yeah. In the back of my mind, I knew Steve wouldn’t mind me being pansexual… you know what that is right?”

“Yeah, I have a book about it some other stuff,” Bucky recalls. It had been a while since he read it. Peter had given it to him after he noticed Bucky’s confusion when someone brought up Wanda being asexual.

“Right, so I knew he wouldn’t mind but he was the first guy I’d let myself fall for since Riley and I guess I didn’t want to deal with the rejection,” Sam admitted. He’d never put it into words before, or really thought about it in much detail but now it made sense.

“Is that why you were so pissy when he was with Sharon?” Bucky teased slightly and Sam couldn’t help but let out a chuckle.

“You’re not gonna let that go are you?” Sam was referring to the fact that he refused to move his seat up for Bucky. In his defence, the guy had ruined his last car, and Sam’s life wasn’t going great at the time, mainly due to Bucky. Now though he understood why Steve fought so hard for this guy. If anyone asked he would deny it but he really did care about Bucky, and in addition, he liked him.

“Not anything soon,” Bucky smiled, though it soon turned into a more pained expression.

“It hurt me too,” he admitted.

Sam wasn’t surprised that Bucky had feelings for Steve. Sure, he had always heard stories from Steve that Bucky had been very popular with the ladies but there was always something about the way he and Steve looked at each other that made Sam think there was something else there. At the time he shrugged it off, especially after Steve and Sharon seemed to be officially dating. It never occurred to him that Bucky was the only one with feelings and that they weren’t returned.

“I-I didn’t realise,” Sam’s tone was apologetic. While he had some kind of affection for Steve it couldn’t be anything like what Bucky felt and he wouldn’t have minded if the pair got together.

“I didn’t like to talk about it. Steve knew. I remember telling him I wouldn’t blame him if he didn’t want to be friends anymore, y’know what he said?”

“Until the end of the line?” Sam suggested, knowing Steve was incredibly sentimental and that the phrase meant a lot to the two.

Bucky nodded, his eyes tearing up.

“Yeah. I knew that I couldn’t date men back then, and I still liked dames, uh, women, so it wasn’t so bad I guess.” Bucky shrugged but Sam saw through it.

“Did you ever tell Steve, y’know, that you liked him?”

“No. He made it pretty clear when I came out that he was heterosexual. Not-not in a mean way, just saying that the love I felt for men wasn’t any different than how he felt for women. He didn’t get why people didn’t get that I guess,” Bucky spoke with a small smile on his face. While it was a bittersweet memory for him because he knew that Steve could never feel the same way about him, he had also been reassured that Steve didn’t hate him and wouldn’t treat him any differently. He still had his best friend.

“I thought about telling him, but then I saw the way he looked at Peggy, and then with Sharon. It just didn’t feel right.”

Sam nodded and gave Bucky a reassuring squeeze on the shoulder.

Bucky wasn’t sure what came over him but suddenly he was hugging Sam. He could feel tears streaming down his face but he wasn’t as upset as he had been since Steve died. In fact, he felt more content than he had in a while; knowing that he had someone who he could talk to. Someone who understood.

Sam was surprised by the hug to say the least, but he still hugged Bucky back, the same feelings of contentment flowing through him. Things were going to be tough, they always were, but they would be okay.

**Author's Note:**

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